Story: The Curse of Babel

The Curse of Babel
By Tcheser

The Northridge Women's Society (NWS) was a club for professional women and female business owners in the Northridge area. NWS's stated aim was to provide a positive environment for the city's female population. What it really happened to be however was one of the city’s most corrupt centers for networking and backroom dealing. More kickbacks and sweetheart deals were discussed and made here than just about anywhere else in the city. If you were a woman, and wanted to make it big in the world of business, you simply had to be a member.

Up and coming fashion designer, Nadya, knew this and wanted in so badly that it hurt “I just have to get into that club. They practically run this town!” she told herself over and over again the night before they announced the new members for the year.

Despite Nadya’s best efforts however she found herself turned down for the third year in a row. Investigating into why, she learned that they had snubbed her because they found her foreign accent and customs not in fitting with the sophisticated nature of their precious club. Seeing as they had other members from foreign countries, Nadya personally believed she was passed over because she was a Gypsy, which was totally unacceptable to her.

So of course she confronted them and demanded they change their ruling. And naturally the women of the NWS just laughed at her. After all, they were rich, powerful and well connected, while she was just a single, solitary woman who stank of jealousy. Furious she vowed she would have her revenge which again they naturally scoffed at.

In response to Nadya’s threat the club president, famed defense attorney Melissa Meyers, was even heard saying “We needn’t worry, what exactly can little Nadya do to us after all?”

They found out a couple days later.

For you see, Nadya wasn’t just any Gypsy, she came from a Gypsy family in which the eldest daughters were brought up to be witches. It was a very old and sacred tradition in her family, so despite Nadya being a modern businesswoman, she was also a practicing witch. She decided that since they put such great stock in how people spoke, that this would be their downfall, and placed upon every member of the club who snubbed her… the curse of Babel.

It came on them suddenly and before they even knew what was happening. Some were safely at home where it caused little harm. Others however were out in public and it was here that the curse caused the elitist members of the NWS the most grief.



The curse hit local television anchorwoman Marsha Chang while she was giving the keynote speech at the Asian Women in Media dinner. At first she thought it was nothing, just a momentary jitter, and just took a sip of water to clear her throat. As she continued her speech though it became quite clear that something was indeed wrong.

Marsha was giving a speech about how Asian women needed to work to break certain well engrained stereotypes people had about them. She meant to say next how they all needed to fight against their continued portrayal as overly aggressive cunning Dragon Ladies or servile China Dolls but what came out was quite different.

“We from China need very bad not looky like no good Dragon Lady China Dolls okay!” she said in a distinctly broken form of English usually associated with new arrivals to the states.

Everyone in the crowd was stunned. No one could quite understand what Marsha was trying to say, but the Pidgin English she was using was all too familiar. Some of them started to wonder what she was doing. How dare she come to their special event and make fun of them!

Realizing her mistake Marsha tried to express how she was happy to be there and would never intentionally insult them, but again it came out all wrong. “Me happy happy!” she said “You no dum dums, you no understand Marsha. Me try harder, make you big promise!”

More than a little offended the crowd began to boo and throw things.

“Me no crazy talk you, me respecting you all time!” Marsha pleaded in her broken English but it just made it worse.

The crowd thought she was purposely mocking them. Before she knew it Marsha was escorted out of the building and told never to return.



Dr. Patrice Wilson was just finishing up giving her classic lecture on Romeo and Juliet to her English Literature class when the curse struck her. Seriously bad timing as a senior professor had just stepped in so he could view her in class for her tenure review.

“Like, are there any questions?” Patrice asked in rather more upbeat manner than she had intended causing a few chuckles from the class. Glaring at them sternly however, Patrice quickly got them back under control, at least for the moment.

Then a student in the front row asked why Juliet killed herself in the end and before Patrice knew what she was doing she replied “She like totally had to kill herself okay? Romeo was like super hot and stuff, wouldn’t you just freakin’ die if someone like say… Ryan Reynolds was all up on you one minute, makin’ your panties all wet and junk, and was then like dead the next?”

Overwhelmed by what they had just heard their normally serious professor say, the class couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Was she trying to make a joke they wondered? She had never shown the slightest inkling of having a sense of humor before. Curious to see what she would say next, a student hurried to ask if Romeo and Juliet were too young perhaps to have taken their love affair so seriously, before Patrice regained her senses and dismissed them.

And to their delight the usually eloquent Patrice who now seemed to be a complete airhead replied “No way, like oh my God, they were like… totally fourteen? And I don’t know about you girl but… I was getting my tight little coochie filled all the time by the time I was fourteen! Oh yeah and this part is really important… they were like Italian and… wait. What was I talkin’ about?”

Shaking his head the senior professor walked out of Patrice’s classroom right then and there thinking to himself that she for one would not be getting tenure. In fact if he had anything to say about it she would be lucky to keep her job. He had no idea she was such a brainless bimbo!



The curse came to the Northridge Hospital with a vengeance as no less than three women there were members of the NWS; Dr. Rhonda Swartz a medical researcher, Dana Rodman a speech therapist and Zelda Phillips an abstinence educator.

Dr. Ronda Swartz was affected first. As usual she was in her lab tormenting the animals they used for testing. She liked to get some food they liked, In this case a banana and wave it around in front of them, but never actually give it to them. Why someone so sadistic was working in medicine was anyone’s guess.

“Wanna banana? Wanna banana?” she asked a caged chimpanzee named Wally who lit up at the prospect. When he got up and came to the cage and pleaded for the banana though, Rhonda laughed and pulled it out of reach “Sorry, try again…” she said “You’ve almost got it!” and then pulled it away again when Wally tried once again to take it. Then laughing she threw the banana back on her desk and went to talk to some of the graduate students who were supposed to be helping her in the lab.

Rhonda didn’t like her grad students much and was about to give them a piece of her mind about some minor procedure they had done a different way than they should have when she suddenly let out a rather animal like grunt “Hmpf” She didn’t know what to make of it and began again. Once more though, all that came out was “Hmpff”. Perplexed she put her hand to her throat in confusion as the grad students looked on. Then out of nowhere Rhonda let out a screech like a monkey “Hooooohooooohooooo!”

“Are you alright?” One of the grad students asked her.

Rhonda wanted to reply that she wasn’t and that she needed help but all that came out was another screech “Hooooohooooohooooo!”

Thinking that Rhonda had finally lost it or something the three grad students just laughed as the tormented scientist tried as hard as she could to make herself understood. “Hoohoohoourhh” she said trying to ask for help to which they all shrugged and continued laughing.

“I think she’s lost her mind” one of them said.

“Yeah, she seems to think she’s a monkey” another one added.

“Does monkey want a banana?” the third asked teasingly holding up the very same banana Rhonda had been torturing Wally with moments before.

Cursing them all Rhonda stormed out of the lab. Naturally all they heard of course was more screeching “Hoohoohoo” followed by a very unladylike raspberry “Zrbtt!”



Rhonda would have to find help for her speech problem elsewhere she realized. The grad students were less than useless. After a bit of thought she decided to go and see Dana. She dealt with speech and disorders of such, perhaps she could help. Unfortunately when she arrived at Dana’s office she found that her friend and fellow member of the NWS was in no shape to be helping anyone with speech disorders.

The pixie like blonde woman had practically destroyed her office having a fit. Furniture was toppled, papers were strewn about and most importantly every mirror and reflective surface had been smashed. Grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her around Rhonda quickly learned why. Somehow Dana’s normally dainty little teeth had grown to huge size! They were at least twice as big as they should be and made her look more than a little funny.

“Helph me, Wonda?” Dana lisped badly when she saw it was her friend.

Rhonda tried to ask Dana how this had happened, but all that came out was ““Hoohoohoohoo” mightily confusing the already distraught Dana.

She pushed Rhonda away with an accompanying “Eeyore!” much like the braying sound a donkey makes. “Ow mah gawd, whath- Eeyore! happenhing ow meh?” she cried “I thoud like a tham- Eeyore ! donketh!”

Was she becoming a donkey Dana wondered? The thought was terrifying. Even if she wasn’t though, how would she ever face anyone, let alone her speech impaired patients, when she herself couldn’t speak clearly and brayed like a damn donkey!

“Thith ith howible!” she moaned.



Upstairs the third member of the NWC who worked at the Northridge Hospital was having problems of her own. Zelda Phillips worked as the head abstinence educator there and as usual was having trouble getting through to the youth of Northridge the importance of not having sex until married or in a stable relationship. A very prudish woman, she had sworn off men since her divorce and secretly thought all women should as well. These days she looked far too prim and tidy to have ever let a man touch her. Some joked that butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.

“It is very important to wait until the time is right” she told the fifteen or so teenage boys and girls she was lecturing to at the moment.

“But how will we know when the time is right?” one of the girls timidly asked.

And Zelda was all prepared to go into her well rehearsed reply to this question when the curse hit her. “You’ll know when the time is right, baby. You’ll feel it, deep down inside, I promise you.” she suddenly replied in a far sultrier tone than she ever used.

Then turning to one of the older boys to answer another question Zelda found herself wetting her lips “Do you feel it right now, honey?” she asked him “I’m so hot for you I’m burning up…”

Overwhelmed the boy blushed and stammered “I don’t know… maybe”

Something wasn’t right. That much Zelda knew. Beyond that however she was at a total loss to explain what had just come out of her mouth. She hurried to make it better by explaining what she had just said was an example of the language they might face while resisting the temptation to have sex, but what came out was quite different than she intended.

“I’m a hot 18 year old blonde with huge tits and long legs.” She said in that same super sultry tone even though she was far older than 18, and nearly flatchested “Do you find me sexy? I’m wearing a hot red lace teddy and stockings just for you” even though she was actually wearing a cardigan and corduroy slacks “Are you touching yourself, I sure am, I’m so hot and horny for you I can’t control myself.”

Confused by Zelda’s odd behavior most of the teens just sat there stunned. After all, she was a middle aged abstinence educator, why was she talking to them like she was a phone sex operator. A few of the teens though were delighted by the change in the rather boring lecture and were laughing their heads off. A couple produced cell phones and started recording the odd event.

When Zelda saw the cell phones she tried covering her face and begged them not to take video of her but all that came out was “Oh, yeah, I like that. It makes me so hot when you do that. Yeah, make me your naughty little bitch!”



Officer Lana Bacone was walking her beat when the curse caught up to her. She didn’t notice at first though. She was as usual trying to keep undesirables out of the business district of the town, for which she received a nice payoff, and it wasn’t until she pulled over a car full of Latinos that she realized anything was wrong. She had just pulled them over and was about to bust their chops for having a tag light out when it happened.

“We’re a law abiding town” she began her speech “and we don’t take kindly to ‘snort’…”

Lana paused. Had she just snorted? She never snorted. Her nose was perfect, another gift from the NWS. Chalking it up to a freak occurrence she continued on with her speech before the Latino’s noticed anything. Unfortunately when she began again it was even worse.

“We don’t take kindly ‘snort’ to people ‘snort’ not obeying the law ‘snort’”

“Are you okay, officer?” the driver asked noticing that she was having difficulty speaking without snorting like a pig.

“I’m ‘snort’ fine ‘snort’ hands on the ‘snort’ wheel” she barked angrily as she could feel her authority slipping away. Already the guys in the back seat were laughing and quietly imitating the snorting noise she was inadvertently making.

“I’m sorry, little piggy, I mean maam” the driver replied sending the car into fits of laughter.

“Why you ‘snort’, I should bust ‘snort’ your ‘snort’…” Lana began as she pulled out her nightstick intent on teaching these wetbacks a lesson, but had to stop when she saw the number of pedestrians watching the strange interchange. She couldn’t bust any heads here, she would lose her badge.

“Drive ‘snort’ on! Get the ‘snort’ out of here” she rapped on the roof of the car angrily urging the still laughing Latino’s to move on.

“Sure thing, officer BACON!” the driver replied as he stepped on the gas and sped away driving right over Lana’s poorly placed foot!

“It’s ‘snort’ not bacon, it’s ‘snort’ Bacone ‘snort’!” Lana yelled after them as she hopped around on one foot every shred of authority gone.



Carol Whitman and her daughter Jenny, both members of the NWS, were at their stately mansion when the curse found them. For them this couldn’t have been a worse time as they were having dinner with Carol’s father, Commodore James Whitman, the rather stodgy patriarch of the family and their meal ticket. He was very old fashioned and didn’t tolerate breeches of protocol or bad manners. As usual dinner was an elaborate affair that they dressed for, which included many different courses and was served by uniformed servants.

So when Jenny asked for potatoes by saying “Please pass me the damn potatoes.” The old man was quite shocked.

“What was that you said, young lady?” he asked imperiously.

Almost as aghast as he was at what she had just said Jenny didn’t know how to reply to her grandfather’s question. She tried to be diplomatic and pretend it was a slip of the tongue but what came out was “I just asked for the God Damn fucking potatoes, you dirty old bastard!”

Nearly choking in shock at what he had heard the Commodore stood up from the table. “What is the meaning of this disrespect?” he demanded of Jenny’s mother Carol.

Having no idea why Jenny, who knew how old fashioned her grandfather, would suddenly start cursing at the table Carol just shrugged and to her horror replied “Who the bloody hell knows you tiny dicked ratfuck!”

“What was that? Explain this behavior immediately or I am liable to lose my temper!” the old Patriarch roared and threw down his napkin in anger.

Neither Carol nor Jenny expected any of this profanity to come out of their mouths, normally they never swore, but now they were hesitant to open their mouths for fear of what might come out. They had to answer the Commodore though; he was turning red with anger, and had disinherited others for less.

Finally Carol stood and as carefully as she could tried to explain that they must have been drugged or something. What came out of her mouth was far different than she had intended however.

“Listen you Choad licking cockass, we’re not some shitty fucking slutbags, so just shut up and suck my sloppy wet kooch!” she said in far less than an apologetic fashion.

It was then that a desperate Jenny tossed a dinner roll at her Mother “Shut up you dumb old fucking dyke cunt!” she yelled. She didn’t want to be disinherited. She would have to get a job like some commoner.

Irritated to have been hit in the side of the head with a roll while she was trying to apologize, Carol then turned on Jenny “Stop that you fuckwitted fuckbag, can’t you fucking see that I’m trying to apologize to this jizzfaced jagoff!” and threw a juicy medium rare steak right in her surprised daughters face.

At this stunning display the Commodore’s monocle fell right out of his eye into his wine glass “Well I never…” he stammered. Then he stormed right out of the dining room leaving Carol and Jenny knowing exactly where all this strange cursing had gotten them. The uniformed servants who had stood rigidly by during the whole affair couldn’t help but snigger.



Melissa Meyers was in court when it finally became her turn to suffer the cruel fate the curse had in store for her. As usual she was in rare form. Elegantly attired in a fine designer suit, she danced around the courtroom, holding the jury in the palm of her hand. Her defendant, one Anthony “Bad Tony” Amata, felt certain he would once again be acquitted despite the mound of evidence against him in this criminal trial. Even Judge Evelyn Vanderwylde, another member of the NWS, seemed taken in by Melissa’s charm.

Then during closing statements Melissa seemed to start have trouble verbalizing what she was thinking. She paused for a moment and when she began again her tone had totally changed. Gone was the sophisticated non regional diction and educated upper class vocabulary. Suddenly she sounded like of all things… trailer trash.

“Now I know y’all been thinkin’ this here be a tough case, but I swears it ain’t”

Vexed by what she had just said Melissa tried to recover from this odd stumble by taking a deep breath, but her lawyerly speech just wouldn’t return and instead she just continued in the same unsophisticated patois she had just used.

“I done shown that even if Tony here could have done these crimes even with his chronic car…pal tunnel syn…drome, he done got no motive and no oppor..tunity-”

The jury wasn’t sure what to make of this at all. Was this some kind of ploy? Why was this elegant sophisticated lawyer suddenly speaking like an uneducated hillbilly?

Perhaps blessedly Judge Evelyn stopped her at that moment. “Ms. Meyers, is there a reason for these theatrics? The court is not amused.”

“No, ma’am, ah am just makin’ my closin’” Melissa explained lamely.

“Well make it quick and speak clearly or you’ll liable to find yourself in contempt of court.” The Judge warned her and sat back in her chair to hear the rest of Melissa’s closing which she assumed would now be significantly more eloquent.

Speaking slowly and carefully Melissa began again but it was a no go. Everything that came out of her mouth sounded like it came from the least educated tenant of a tornado alley trailer park. Grimacing she just tried to get through it quickly “As he had no darn chance…” she said with a scowl “…to do these here crimes, he can’t be ‘spected to do no time for them-”

Then the judge interrupted in a distinctly ghetto manner despite the fact that she had had grown up in an all white neighborhood in the suburbs. “Yo yo you, is you making fun o' me cuz ah grew up on da wrong side o' da track?”

“No, ma’am” Melissa was quick to reply cringing as even making this short statement she sounded like a redneck.

“Well please watch yo' language! Ah will not be made fun o' in muh motha fuckin own courtroom an' will hold you in motha fuckin contempt if you go and make me!”

Rubbing his forehead the defendant Anthony Amata could hardly believe what was happening. One second he was certain of victory and the next his Harvard educated lawyer was talking like a white trash hillbilly and the WASP Judge was taking offense because she felt her formative years in the ghetto were being mocked.

“So concludin’ this” Melissa said shakily “ya’ll needs to find my client, Eye-talian Anthony Amata non gulity-”

“Oh dat's it!” the Judge finally explored. She had had enough of Melissa’s flagrant mocking and banged her gavel loudly “Ah find you in contempt o' court! What the fuck sup now, bitch?”

And from there the court rapidly fell into a state of near bedlam as Anthony leaped out of his seat to try and strangle Melissa, the crowd went wild, and the judge banged her gavel again and again for what she called “Order in da court!”.



And so Nadya had her revenge on the NWS. Because of her curse many things happened. Marsha was ostracized by polite Asian community for her insulting speech. Patrice not only didn’t receive tenure but was let go by the University and had to take a position as a teacher’s aide to make a living. Rhonda, Dana and Zelda were all admitted to the hospital psyche ward for shock therapy and a nice lengthy stay. Lana was fired from the police force as they thought she made them all look bad with all her pig like snorting. Carol and Jenny were disinherited by the Commodore and had to attend charm and beauty lessons at a foreign finishing school before he would even consider letting them back in the house. Judge Evelyn stepped down and went into seclusion writing a never to be published memoir. And the former president of the NWS, Melissa, was disbarred. Then she was forced to get obscenely huge breast implants and work in one of her client Anthony’s strip clubs as an exotic dancer named Missy Mae. Naturally the NWS closed its doors shortly thereafter.